17 of Ken Dodd's most ingenious jokes and one-liners

Monday, 12th March 2018, 10:13 am
Updated Monday, 12th March 2018, 10:15 am

The news that comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died at the age of 90 has saddened the variety world - and generations of fans.

Renowned for his tickling stick and Diddy Men, the veteran performer was also a consummate deliverer of gags. He once entered the record books for telling 1,500 jokes in three and a half hours.

Here are just some of his finest one-liners:

"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed - until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."

"I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo."

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."

"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."

"I always feel at home in theatres like this, because we're about the same age."

"My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions."

"I told the Inland Revenue I don't owe them a penny. I live by the seaside."

"Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it..."

"It turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut."

"The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."

"My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them."

"Did you hear about the Frenchman who makes his own gravy? The Count Of Monte Bisto."

"The man who invented Cats' Eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

"It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back."

"Honolulu has got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother..."