Doncaster woman opens up about her experience with depression and shares her honest thoughts

My depression doesn’t feel like sadness.

How weird is that?

The illness itself is called depression, and yet, it doesn’t make me feel depressed.

Instead, it makes me feel numb.

Empty.

You see, when my depression surfaces, I don’t want to cry, or scream, or run away.

I don’t want to do anything, for all my energy has gone.

When I do so much as think of doing something, anything, I am filled with a sense of dread, a horrible feeling that consumes my entire being.

And this horrible feeling that I talk of? It persists.

No matter how much sleep I’ve had, I still feel tired all day.

Such tiredness makes a 24 hour day feel never ending.

When the end finally does come, I cannot relax or unwind, for I am left questioning how I will get through the rest of my life?

I ask myself ‘Will this feeling ever go away? Will I always feel this low? This hopeless?

It doesn’t matter how much experience I’ve had with this illness, and nor does it matter that I, arguably more than anyone, am aware that depression is like the seasons, meaning that it will always pass.

Why doesn’t this matter?

It doesn’t matter because, in the moment, when brighter days are nowhere to be seen, depression feels utterly inescapable.

And the worst part?

It’s not the depression itself, believe it or not, but it’s the way it turns me into a shell of my former self.

It’s the way it leaves me empty, hollow.

And so, it is for this reason that, now, when I feel my depression ‘creeping in,’ I do not say: ‘I feel depressed,’ instead, I say, ‘I feel empty.’

To read more of Lisa’s thoughts on mental health and eating disorders you can explore : Doncaster woman shares her journey with eating disorders and her concerns for others in a post pandemic world or Doncaster teen was sectioned and nearly died after addiction to exercise.

In these confusing and worrying times, local journalism is more vital than ever. Thanks to everyone who helps us ask the questions that matter by taking out a subscription or buying a paper. We stand together. Liam Hoden, editor.