I’ve spent years trying out faddy diets and new fangled exercise classes in my quest to discover the secret to that perfect bikini body.
And after years of stomach rumbles and muscle spasms my greatest fears have finally been realised - there is no secret after all.
That’s right, chowing down on cardboard like Ryvita crackers that suck every single molecule of moisture from the mouth instead of a bag of crisps was a complete waste of time.
And following expert advice that my brisk 20 minute stroll from my car to the office and daily dog walks were a step in the right direction was all in vain.
In fact new research has revealed that swimming, walking or gardening are not enough to stay fit and people must work up a real sweat if they want to avoid an untimely death.
The study claims those who undertook even the odd period of vigorous activity were more likely to avoid an early death than those who stuck to only moderate exercise.
The shocking findings cast doubt over the NHS guidelines which suggest the recommended weekly 150 minutes of moderate exercise for adults is just as good as 75 minutes of hard-core activity.
The new research suggests that at least 45 minutes of the 150 minutes should include exercise, such as jogging, aerobics or competitive tennis.
Competitive tennis? The closest I’ve come is a fiercely fought match on the Nintendo Wii and chucking a tennis ball for my dog in the garden and now I’m expected to channel my inner Venus Williams? I feel duped by an industry that I spent so much precious time and money buying into.
For instance I can’t stand jogging but always felt confident after reading so called expert articles explaining how walking was so much better for you in the long run - turns out it was all a sham.
I imagine the feelings I’m experiencing are a similar kind of disappointment as avid viewers of Dallas experienced when the whole of series nine which featured the death of a main character turned out to be a dream.
Disappointment aside I suppose we all secretly know eating less and exercising more is the only sure fire way to see results but we let ourselves be taken in by these weight loss fads and so called expert advice if it means a walk instead of a run and an Aero instead of an apple.
Maybe if I put as much effort into exercising as I did into finding a way round it I might see results.