Another 10 things that prove you’re from Donny

Unless you've got a bin liner, you're not getting in sunshine.
Unless you've got a bin liner, you're not getting in sunshine.

You want more proof of just how Donny you are?

Well, if our previous list of just how Donny you are wasn’t enough, here’s another ten things that will prove that Doncaster isn’t just some faceless northern town you pass through on the train.

So here we go with ten more things that prove how Donny you are...

1. Rotherham and Barnsley are evil and must be avoided at all costs

They could be home to the Louvre, the Taj Mahal and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, but it is absolutely compulsory to detest our South Yorkshire neighbours with an unbridled hatred. Any mention of the two must be prefixed by swearing and preferably some sort of suggestion that inbreeding has taken place and the locals wander around wearing six-fingered gloves.

2. You know the connection between Cusworth Hall and a black bin-liner

If a single snowflake falls within sight of Cusworth Hall, standard procedure is to scoop up a roll of bin liners and fight tooth and nail to hurl yourself down the hill on one of them with little thought to your health and safety. Proper plastic sledges are for posh people. However, you’ll quickly realise that after just one slide, your impromptu toboggan is in shreds, you’re cold and you’ve got to walk all the way up a hill steeper than Everest.

3. The fountains in the Arndale weren’t to be enjoyed, they were to be tampered with

Saturday afternoon? Looking for laughs with your teenage mates? What greater jape than to chuck some washing up liquid in the Arndale Centre fountains and guffaw heartily as the bubbles spill over the sides and conjure up images of some kind of Donny-based Ibiza foam party. Cue sight of angry security guards turning off the waterworks and cleaning up while pensioners try not to slip and slide their way to Sainsburys.

4. Everything in the world can be solved with a cup of tea and saying ‘be reyt’

If the United Nations really wants to solve the globe’s problems, they’d be better moving to Donny and dispensing advice over a cup of tea (Yorkshire Tea obviously), patting the world’s miscreants on the back and proclaiming ‘be reyt,’ even though there isn’t a cat in hell’s chance that it will be. The phrase hasn’t solved a single problem in Yorkshire since it was first uttered, probably on Ilkley Moor, in about 1232.

5. A school trip to Conisbrough Castle is written into the statute books

Forty bored and restless youngsters who’ve already eaten their sandwiches before the bus has left the school car park? Check. One permanently stressed teacher doing head counts? Check. A grumpy coach driver with the personality of Atilla the Hun? Check. At least one injured/crying child by the end of the day? Congratulations, you’ve won Donny Bingo!

6. Clubbing for the younger generation is still known as ‘nappy night’

There was a phase in the 80s and 90s when Donny clubs, eager to tempt in clubbers of the future, hosted ‘pop ‘n’ crisps’ nights for 14-year-olds, desperately trying to cut a dash in their vividly coloured shell suits and Farah slacks. Standard practice for older brothers and sisters, already familiar with the concept of lager top and dancing round handbags as ‘nappy night.’ There. That’ll teach you to leave clubbing to us who know it best.

7. Sheffield is seen as some kind of gold-paved, 24-hour buzzing metropolis

“Sheffield?,” We’re going to Sheffield? Really?” Oh yes, and what’s more, we’re going on a train to live the swanky high life in the Steel City that never sleeps. They’ve got shops there we’ve not got. Its a city, a real life city.

Hang on, its just a bit larger than Donny and the branch of HMV is a bit bigger. And there’s a big concrete carbuncle called the Hole in the Road where you can look at some fish. Oh, the glamour.

8. Its Leger, not Ledger

It is the world’s oldest classic horse race. It has been run since 1776. It is named after Anthony St Leger. More than 200 years of history. Yet, you can guarantee that when September rolls around, at least four of your Facebook friends will proclaim how much they are looking forward to this year’s “St Ledger.” There’s no D folks. Seeing a status with the duff spelling will irritate the hell out of you.

9. Seeing a bland, faceless, brick-built waterworks means you’re nearly back in Donny

70s singing duo Peters and Lee topped the charts with Welcome Home. It is unlikely they were warbling about Nutwell Water Treatment Works. For many a weary Doncaster-bound traveller, sight of this looming red-brick colossus perched at the side of the M18 near Amrthorpe (sorry, Armo) means you are back in God’s own town. And that means a proper cuppa and people calling you ‘love’ again. Even men.

10. An unfinished, half-built house was once a famed Donny landmark

It stood just a stone’s throw away from Doncaster Rovers’ old Belle Vue ground. It was a testament to man’s folly - don’t build a great big house if you haven’t got the money to finish it off. So there it stood more more than 25 years, open to the elements and an unlikely greeting to Donny from football fans from across the country. Doncaster Council spoiled the fun by ordering it be demolished in the 1990s.