THE BOTTLE BLONDES: Growing old DISgracefully is much more fun!

Julie and Chrissy
Julie and Chrissy
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Age is a funny thing - but then it depends how old you are as to how funny you find it I suppose.

We are both at the age – those fabulous 50s - when an ‘all-nighter’ simply means we didn’t have to get up in the night to have a wee.

Ageing DISgracefully

Ageing DISgracefully

And, really, how old is ‘old’ these days?

When you’re 14, 30 seems ancient, but when you hit 30 - if you’re sensible - you realise age really is just a number and that you don’t actually ‘feel’ any older than you did at 29. Or 18 for that matter!

Then these days, with people keeping fitter and healthier for longer (though we won’t ask how that works, since we’re constantly being told that, as a nation, we are fatter, lazier and less active than ever before) we’re told 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and so on and so forth.

But in the long run, they are all just numbers and, the truth is, you are only ever as old as you feel. After a hard night, you may well feel 90, but it’s what goes on inside your head and your heart, in all those little moments, that makes you feel young, old, and - if you’re lucky - 17 all over again.

Remember: we don’t stop having fun because we are getting old; we get old because we stop having fun.

We decided long ago that, when we grow old, and I do mean really old, we don’t want people thinking: ‘look at those sweet old ladies...’ No, we want them saying: ‘Oh-no! What are they up to now?!’ as we go tearing down the street on our pimped-up mobility scooters.

We don’t want to grow old gracefully, We want to grow old DISgracefully, in a hip, wacky sort of way. Join us: replace your hearing aids with headphones, blasting out R&B, and when you win at Bingo, don’t just call out ‘here’ in a tiny mouse-like voice...jump up, wave your arms in the air and shout at the top of your lungs ‘Yes! Yes! Get in there!’ Go out walking - but no sensible loosely fitted clothing allowed. Don that fluorescent pink and yellow lycra, with the matching head band. And when people stare at you (because they will, y’know.) tell them: ‘move out of my way, I may look old but I could still mow you down.’ Try new things. Maybe yoga isn’t your speed, but pole dancing might be!

Don’t be afraid to suck all the chocolate off of the Brazil nuts, put the nuts back in the box and then hand them around. If you have to wear false teeth, enjoy taking them out and smiling at small children.

The top and bottom of it is that age isn’t really important unless you’re a wine or a cheese. And while growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.