Q : I am 45 and am still single. I live on my own and have a good job in training so I get to meet lots of people. It makes me sad to see my friends settled down with children. I’ve always thought of myself as friendly and relatively attractive, (I’m blonde, slim and fashionable) but relationships don’t seem to last long for me. I have a strict guideline for who I’m looking for, am I being too picky?
A: Are you looking for a human being to share your world, your life journey, your compassion, your love, through good times and bad? Or just an interviewee to tick all your imaginary boxes?
Maybe the reason your relationships don’t last very long is because interrogation is not sexy (even if you have read 50 Shades of Grey). If you are hooked up on fitting potential partners into certain categories rather than allowing their personality to emerge then you are always going to be disappointed.
There is also an old saying: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Much as society values it, good looks fade, toned bodies can sag but a loving disposition, an interesting mind and sense of humour will outlast them all. Are you putting your dates under too much pressure, with a future fantasy? Turning light-hearted comments and shared interests into a forever match made in hell.
Spend time to get to know someone before making yourself vulnerable. Show an interest in their likes and dislikes as well as allowing them to teach you new things, rather than hurtling into a forced relationship. Desperation is never attractive.
I am concerned about your attitude regarding your friends’ lives. Surely you should be happy for them having stable, secure lives rather than saddened? You seem bewildered that someone should choose them over you. Maybe their partners wanted less superficial, more grounded wives? I trust that your friends aren’t aware that you judge yourself to be a better catch as they wouldn’t remain your friends for long.
I would suggest that you concentrate on enriching your own life and becoming interesting and fulfilled without expecting a partner to fill the void in your personality.
When you are ready to accept love into your life, it will come. Maybe you could use the interim time to broaden your horizons volunteering with people and actually interacting and seeing things from another point of view rather than your own limited standpoint. Ask yourself, what do you have to offer?